My feet really hurt. And I wouldn't be concerned except recently I crossed paths with a friend/colleague/classmate of mine who told me a story about emergency foot surgery and a long recuperation period involving crutches and a wheelchair. She didn't even know the nerves in her feet were being so compromised. Wow.....My left big toe joint is in some intense pain.
It creeps me out. I already know I have low key foot problems, but now I'm extra freaked out, only because the pain is making me kind of nauseous. That can't be good....
Monday, April 30, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
I Hate This.
I hate feeling the way I do.
I hate the damage remarks from a person you loved can cause months after the fact.
I am so mad. I guess this was the breakdown moment. Hopefully, I hit bottom tonight and I can go up from here.
I hate you for making me feel this way. You know exactly who you are.
I hate the damage remarks from a person you loved can cause months after the fact.
I am so mad. I guess this was the breakdown moment. Hopefully, I hit bottom tonight and I can go up from here.
I hate you for making me feel this way. You know exactly who you are.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Real Life Grown-Ups: They're Just Like Us
This weekend while I was at a memorial event, I saw a bunch of alumni from my university dealing with grief. My friend remarked "Oh man, they are just like us, even years later. That's us." So pretty we observed that when it comes to strong life changing events and feelings, everyone is a child - no one knows the rules.
When it comes to romance, it's true - everything is like high school. It's all about who likes/loves you, and who has control...come to think of it, that is like war too - not the like/love part, but who has control (and who's side God is on). So pretty much I'm convinced...the older you are, the less you know - at least the less you know about big emotional humanizing situations.
Anyways, so here I am at 25 and I have been hit with a crush the likes of which have not been seen since high school.
HIGH SCHOOL.
Jesus...
It's the kind of dehabiilitating crush that takes your attention away from work, that has you spiraling unrealistic fantasies out of nothing like cotton candy, and causes you to plot far-fetched and non-economical plans to run into the person. Sheesh...I do not need this, although it is enjoyable.
I spent a good part of this afternoon (shhhh don't tell the boss) chatting via gmail with my friend from grad school about how she might be in love with her best friend. And I thought, "Honey, I've been there."
Honey, we've all been there.
In some ways, this is the biggest pickle of all (yes, I just said pickle). What do you do when you fall for a friend? Or work colleague? Or long lost acquaintance? When is it okay to cross the line to romance/fooling around/sleeping together?
Remember when you were in middle school and high school and kissing was enough...? Sadly, at twenty five it's not enough anymore, but I wouldn't mind some quality make-out time with no strings attached.
When it comes to romance, it's true - everything is like high school. It's all about who likes/loves you, and who has control...come to think of it, that is like war too - not the like/love part, but who has control (and who's side God is on). So pretty much I'm convinced...the older you are, the less you know - at least the less you know about big emotional humanizing situations.
Anyways, so here I am at 25 and I have been hit with a crush the likes of which have not been seen since high school.
HIGH SCHOOL.
Jesus...
It's the kind of dehabiilitating crush that takes your attention away from work, that has you spiraling unrealistic fantasies out of nothing like cotton candy, and causes you to plot far-fetched and non-economical plans to run into the person. Sheesh...I do not need this, although it is enjoyable.
I spent a good part of this afternoon (shhhh don't tell the boss) chatting via gmail with my friend from grad school about how she might be in love with her best friend. And I thought, "Honey, I've been there."
Honey, we've all been there.
In some ways, this is the biggest pickle of all (yes, I just said pickle). What do you do when you fall for a friend? Or work colleague? Or long lost acquaintance? When is it okay to cross the line to romance/fooling around/sleeping together?
Remember when you were in middle school and high school and kissing was enough...? Sadly, at twenty five it's not enough anymore, but I wouldn't mind some quality make-out time with no strings attached.
Monday, April 23, 2007
If I Gave This a Title Then It Would Be Awkward...
My weekend was a string of id driven impulses... When I was hungry I ate, when I wanted to lay in the park, I laid in the park. When I felt like I had to cry and laugh, I cried and laughed.
I went to a memorial for a famous design professor in the School of Drama. To say "professor" is not enough...terms like legend, the backbone of the program, the great one are more appropriate.
Seeing my former professors brought to tears as they talked about this man and the impact he had on their lives brought me to tears. To witness people who for several years have been your rocks, your challengers, your mentors go through so much emotion in a theatre filled with people is a very, very strange thing.
My advisor said he felt very privileged to have been asked to speak. I told him I felt very privileged to be able to help and support him when he was upset, because he had done it for me so many times.
This weekend was good and strange and difficult and eloquent... I think my life will always be filled with ambivalence and extremes - I witnessed how elegant and appropriate a memorial can be at a very intense world-class university, but I also saw a llama in a Steelers Jersey and a midget poured a shot in my mouth at the bar.
I went to a memorial for a famous design professor in the School of Drama. To say "professor" is not enough...terms like legend, the backbone of the program, the great one are more appropriate.
Seeing my former professors brought to tears as they talked about this man and the impact he had on their lives brought me to tears. To witness people who for several years have been your rocks, your challengers, your mentors go through so much emotion in a theatre filled with people is a very, very strange thing.
My advisor said he felt very privileged to have been asked to speak. I told him I felt very privileged to be able to help and support him when he was upset, because he had done it for me so many times.
This weekend was good and strange and difficult and eloquent... I think my life will always be filled with ambivalence and extremes - I witnessed how elegant and appropriate a memorial can be at a very intense world-class university, but I also saw a llama in a Steelers Jersey and a midget poured a shot in my mouth at the bar.
A page from a book - Eat, Pray, Love
A new definition of what soul mates are...hmmm...
"Your problem is you don't understand what the word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is you just can't let this one go. It's over...David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desparate and out of control that you had to change your life, introduce you to your spiritual master and then beat it."
"Your problem is you don't understand what the word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is you just can't let this one go. It's over...David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desparate and out of control that you had to change your life, introduce you to your spiritual master and then beat it."
Thursday, April 19, 2007
God Bless You Tax Return!
Thanks to my new job and my phatty tax return I can hypothetically be back in my "Savings Safe Zone" ie. $5K in a little over a month at which point I will hand over at least $2K for an apartment. Sigh, I do live for adventure at times, but I do really relish having "Oh SHIT" money. If something goes wrong or if I suddenly want to take a trip to Prague (and I do I really, really do want to go to Prague...) then I can do it.
Also new dating mantra....no fatties, no uggos, no baldies, and try to avoid "boys who might secretly be writing porno scores".
I want an IRA. Or start investing. I should probably stop buying so many shirts....
Also new dating mantra....no fatties, no uggos, no baldies, and try to avoid "boys who might secretly be writing porno scores".
I want an IRA. Or start investing. I should probably stop buying so many shirts....
My One True Love...
So in the midst of all my harmless crushes on dark haired boys with messy hair and and glasses (FYI these boys are everywhere - at your grocery store, on the subway, at your place of employment assisting famous directors, at Rudy's Bar and Grill in midtown) I thought about my one true love.
Is it:
That boy I dated for 3+ years?... No!!!
That friend I thought I was in love with off and on for a while?....NO!!!!
My grad school crush... HELL NO!
My first boyfriend....HELL NO x 2!!!!
My first love and true love is books! Now I know you are thinking "oh that nerdface" and that is A-OK by me. Because I still love books. Books don't let you down, there is the perfect book for every moment in your life. You learn from books. Books are harsh and kind depending on what you need.
Books are your friends when you are traveling by yourself. In fact, I like books so much that I even go into bookstores in foreign countries just to see that the country likes books too. So shut your hole and read a book - it will only make your life better.
I especially appreciate how certain books are extra special because of the point in your life when you read them....Some poignant, perfectly timed books in my life:
This Book Will Save Your Life- I was getting on the plane from London just after being broken up by a boy who had shown me an engagement ring...you do the math. A man reworks his entire life in this book ...oh...also it had pictures of donuts on the cover....you see, you see why I needed this book.
The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood-This is an excellent example of a book that wasn't even that good that I needed to read at the specific moment I read it. I read it my senior year of high school when I was having giant life decision type fights with my family. Now my mother was never an abusive southern alcoholic and I'm not a middle aged dysfunctional theatre director, but this book took hard relationships between mothers and daughters and beautiful language and mixed it up into a wonder gumbo of a story.
The Sound and the Fury- I love this book. I love Faulker. I get really mad at Faulkner sometimes, but we are still cool. (Also read during senior year of high school)
The Giver- I read it in elementary school and it has stayed with me for my entire life. I read this book something like 16 years ago....
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason-Picture me 19 years of age, alone and in Ireland and Britain for 4 months. This book gave me a mirror for all my silly adventures.
Eat Pray Love- I'm in the middle of this book right now and I am savoring every moment of it.
There are more, but it is late, and I need to sleep because I have a To Do list and a half to take care of at work tomorrow.
Goodnight and thanks to Dave, Alex, and Rudy's Bar and Grill. Free hotdogs forever.
Is it:
That boy I dated for 3+ years?... No!!!
That friend I thought I was in love with off and on for a while?....NO!!!!
My grad school crush... HELL NO!
My first boyfriend....HELL NO x 2!!!!
My first love and true love is books! Now I know you are thinking "oh that nerdface" and that is A-OK by me. Because I still love books. Books don't let you down, there is the perfect book for every moment in your life. You learn from books. Books are harsh and kind depending on what you need.
Books are your friends when you are traveling by yourself. In fact, I like books so much that I even go into bookstores in foreign countries just to see that the country likes books too. So shut your hole and read a book - it will only make your life better.
I especially appreciate how certain books are extra special because of the point in your life when you read them....Some poignant, perfectly timed books in my life:
This Book Will Save Your Life- I was getting on the plane from London just after being broken up by a boy who had shown me an engagement ring...you do the math. A man reworks his entire life in this book ...oh...also it had pictures of donuts on the cover....you see, you see why I needed this book.
The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood-This is an excellent example of a book that wasn't even that good that I needed to read at the specific moment I read it. I read it my senior year of high school when I was having giant life decision type fights with my family. Now my mother was never an abusive southern alcoholic and I'm not a middle aged dysfunctional theatre director, but this book took hard relationships between mothers and daughters and beautiful language and mixed it up into a wonder gumbo of a story.
The Sound and the Fury- I love this book. I love Faulker. I get really mad at Faulkner sometimes, but we are still cool. (Also read during senior year of high school)
The Giver- I read it in elementary school and it has stayed with me for my entire life. I read this book something like 16 years ago....
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason-Picture me 19 years of age, alone and in Ireland and Britain for 4 months. This book gave me a mirror for all my silly adventures.
Eat Pray Love- I'm in the middle of this book right now and I am savoring every moment of it.
There are more, but it is late, and I need to sleep because I have a To Do list and a half to take care of at work tomorrow.
Goodnight and thanks to Dave, Alex, and Rudy's Bar and Grill. Free hotdogs forever.
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