My feet really hurt. And I wouldn't be concerned except recently I crossed paths with a friend/colleague/classmate of mine who told me a story about emergency foot surgery and a long recuperation period involving crutches and a wheelchair. She didn't even know the nerves in her feet were being so compromised. Wow.....My left big toe joint is in some intense pain.
It creeps me out. I already know I have low key foot problems, but now I'm extra freaked out, only because the pain is making me kind of nauseous. That can't be good....
Monday, April 30, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
I Hate This.
I hate feeling the way I do.
I hate the damage remarks from a person you loved can cause months after the fact.
I am so mad. I guess this was the breakdown moment. Hopefully, I hit bottom tonight and I can go up from here.
I hate you for making me feel this way. You know exactly who you are.
I hate the damage remarks from a person you loved can cause months after the fact.
I am so mad. I guess this was the breakdown moment. Hopefully, I hit bottom tonight and I can go up from here.
I hate you for making me feel this way. You know exactly who you are.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Real Life Grown-Ups: They're Just Like Us
This weekend while I was at a memorial event, I saw a bunch of alumni from my university dealing with grief. My friend remarked "Oh man, they are just like us, even years later. That's us." So pretty we observed that when it comes to strong life changing events and feelings, everyone is a child - no one knows the rules.
When it comes to romance, it's true - everything is like high school. It's all about who likes/loves you, and who has control...come to think of it, that is like war too - not the like/love part, but who has control (and who's side God is on). So pretty much I'm convinced...the older you are, the less you know - at least the less you know about big emotional humanizing situations.
Anyways, so here I am at 25 and I have been hit with a crush the likes of which have not been seen since high school.
HIGH SCHOOL.
Jesus...
It's the kind of dehabiilitating crush that takes your attention away from work, that has you spiraling unrealistic fantasies out of nothing like cotton candy, and causes you to plot far-fetched and non-economical plans to run into the person. Sheesh...I do not need this, although it is enjoyable.
I spent a good part of this afternoon (shhhh don't tell the boss) chatting via gmail with my friend from grad school about how she might be in love with her best friend. And I thought, "Honey, I've been there."
Honey, we've all been there.
In some ways, this is the biggest pickle of all (yes, I just said pickle). What do you do when you fall for a friend? Or work colleague? Or long lost acquaintance? When is it okay to cross the line to romance/fooling around/sleeping together?
Remember when you were in middle school and high school and kissing was enough...? Sadly, at twenty five it's not enough anymore, but I wouldn't mind some quality make-out time with no strings attached.
When it comes to romance, it's true - everything is like high school. It's all about who likes/loves you, and who has control...come to think of it, that is like war too - not the like/love part, but who has control (and who's side God is on). So pretty much I'm convinced...the older you are, the less you know - at least the less you know about big emotional humanizing situations.
Anyways, so here I am at 25 and I have been hit with a crush the likes of which have not been seen since high school.
HIGH SCHOOL.
Jesus...
It's the kind of dehabiilitating crush that takes your attention away from work, that has you spiraling unrealistic fantasies out of nothing like cotton candy, and causes you to plot far-fetched and non-economical plans to run into the person. Sheesh...I do not need this, although it is enjoyable.
I spent a good part of this afternoon (shhhh don't tell the boss) chatting via gmail with my friend from grad school about how she might be in love with her best friend. And I thought, "Honey, I've been there."
Honey, we've all been there.
In some ways, this is the biggest pickle of all (yes, I just said pickle). What do you do when you fall for a friend? Or work colleague? Or long lost acquaintance? When is it okay to cross the line to romance/fooling around/sleeping together?
Remember when you were in middle school and high school and kissing was enough...? Sadly, at twenty five it's not enough anymore, but I wouldn't mind some quality make-out time with no strings attached.
Monday, April 23, 2007
If I Gave This a Title Then It Would Be Awkward...
My weekend was a string of id driven impulses... When I was hungry I ate, when I wanted to lay in the park, I laid in the park. When I felt like I had to cry and laugh, I cried and laughed.
I went to a memorial for a famous design professor in the School of Drama. To say "professor" is not enough...terms like legend, the backbone of the program, the great one are more appropriate.
Seeing my former professors brought to tears as they talked about this man and the impact he had on their lives brought me to tears. To witness people who for several years have been your rocks, your challengers, your mentors go through so much emotion in a theatre filled with people is a very, very strange thing.
My advisor said he felt very privileged to have been asked to speak. I told him I felt very privileged to be able to help and support him when he was upset, because he had done it for me so many times.
This weekend was good and strange and difficult and eloquent... I think my life will always be filled with ambivalence and extremes - I witnessed how elegant and appropriate a memorial can be at a very intense world-class university, but I also saw a llama in a Steelers Jersey and a midget poured a shot in my mouth at the bar.
I went to a memorial for a famous design professor in the School of Drama. To say "professor" is not enough...terms like legend, the backbone of the program, the great one are more appropriate.
Seeing my former professors brought to tears as they talked about this man and the impact he had on their lives brought me to tears. To witness people who for several years have been your rocks, your challengers, your mentors go through so much emotion in a theatre filled with people is a very, very strange thing.
My advisor said he felt very privileged to have been asked to speak. I told him I felt very privileged to be able to help and support him when he was upset, because he had done it for me so many times.
This weekend was good and strange and difficult and eloquent... I think my life will always be filled with ambivalence and extremes - I witnessed how elegant and appropriate a memorial can be at a very intense world-class university, but I also saw a llama in a Steelers Jersey and a midget poured a shot in my mouth at the bar.
A page from a book - Eat, Pray, Love
A new definition of what soul mates are...hmmm...
"Your problem is you don't understand what the word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is you just can't let this one go. It's over...David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desparate and out of control that you had to change your life, introduce you to your spiritual master and then beat it."
"Your problem is you don't understand what the word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is you just can't let this one go. It's over...David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desparate and out of control that you had to change your life, introduce you to your spiritual master and then beat it."
Thursday, April 19, 2007
God Bless You Tax Return!
Thanks to my new job and my phatty tax return I can hypothetically be back in my "Savings Safe Zone" ie. $5K in a little over a month at which point I will hand over at least $2K for an apartment. Sigh, I do live for adventure at times, but I do really relish having "Oh SHIT" money. If something goes wrong or if I suddenly want to take a trip to Prague (and I do I really, really do want to go to Prague...) then I can do it.
Also new dating mantra....no fatties, no uggos, no baldies, and try to avoid "boys who might secretly be writing porno scores".
I want an IRA. Or start investing. I should probably stop buying so many shirts....
Also new dating mantra....no fatties, no uggos, no baldies, and try to avoid "boys who might secretly be writing porno scores".
I want an IRA. Or start investing. I should probably stop buying so many shirts....
My One True Love...
So in the midst of all my harmless crushes on dark haired boys with messy hair and and glasses (FYI these boys are everywhere - at your grocery store, on the subway, at your place of employment assisting famous directors, at Rudy's Bar and Grill in midtown) I thought about my one true love.
Is it:
That boy I dated for 3+ years?... No!!!
That friend I thought I was in love with off and on for a while?....NO!!!!
My grad school crush... HELL NO!
My first boyfriend....HELL NO x 2!!!!
My first love and true love is books! Now I know you are thinking "oh that nerdface" and that is A-OK by me. Because I still love books. Books don't let you down, there is the perfect book for every moment in your life. You learn from books. Books are harsh and kind depending on what you need.
Books are your friends when you are traveling by yourself. In fact, I like books so much that I even go into bookstores in foreign countries just to see that the country likes books too. So shut your hole and read a book - it will only make your life better.
I especially appreciate how certain books are extra special because of the point in your life when you read them....Some poignant, perfectly timed books in my life:
This Book Will Save Your Life- I was getting on the plane from London just after being broken up by a boy who had shown me an engagement ring...you do the math. A man reworks his entire life in this book ...oh...also it had pictures of donuts on the cover....you see, you see why I needed this book.
The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood-This is an excellent example of a book that wasn't even that good that I needed to read at the specific moment I read it. I read it my senior year of high school when I was having giant life decision type fights with my family. Now my mother was never an abusive southern alcoholic and I'm not a middle aged dysfunctional theatre director, but this book took hard relationships between mothers and daughters and beautiful language and mixed it up into a wonder gumbo of a story.
The Sound and the Fury- I love this book. I love Faulker. I get really mad at Faulkner sometimes, but we are still cool. (Also read during senior year of high school)
The Giver- I read it in elementary school and it has stayed with me for my entire life. I read this book something like 16 years ago....
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason-Picture me 19 years of age, alone and in Ireland and Britain for 4 months. This book gave me a mirror for all my silly adventures.
Eat Pray Love- I'm in the middle of this book right now and I am savoring every moment of it.
There are more, but it is late, and I need to sleep because I have a To Do list and a half to take care of at work tomorrow.
Goodnight and thanks to Dave, Alex, and Rudy's Bar and Grill. Free hotdogs forever.
Is it:
That boy I dated for 3+ years?... No!!!
That friend I thought I was in love with off and on for a while?....NO!!!!
My grad school crush... HELL NO!
My first boyfriend....HELL NO x 2!!!!
My first love and true love is books! Now I know you are thinking "oh that nerdface" and that is A-OK by me. Because I still love books. Books don't let you down, there is the perfect book for every moment in your life. You learn from books. Books are harsh and kind depending on what you need.
Books are your friends when you are traveling by yourself. In fact, I like books so much that I even go into bookstores in foreign countries just to see that the country likes books too. So shut your hole and read a book - it will only make your life better.
I especially appreciate how certain books are extra special because of the point in your life when you read them....Some poignant, perfectly timed books in my life:
This Book Will Save Your Life- I was getting on the plane from London just after being broken up by a boy who had shown me an engagement ring...you do the math. A man reworks his entire life in this book ...oh...also it had pictures of donuts on the cover....you see, you see why I needed this book.
The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood-This is an excellent example of a book that wasn't even that good that I needed to read at the specific moment I read it. I read it my senior year of high school when I was having giant life decision type fights with my family. Now my mother was never an abusive southern alcoholic and I'm not a middle aged dysfunctional theatre director, but this book took hard relationships between mothers and daughters and beautiful language and mixed it up into a wonder gumbo of a story.
The Sound and the Fury- I love this book. I love Faulker. I get really mad at Faulkner sometimes, but we are still cool. (Also read during senior year of high school)
The Giver- I read it in elementary school and it has stayed with me for my entire life. I read this book something like 16 years ago....
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason-Picture me 19 years of age, alone and in Ireland and Britain for 4 months. This book gave me a mirror for all my silly adventures.
Eat Pray Love- I'm in the middle of this book right now and I am savoring every moment of it.
There are more, but it is late, and I need to sleep because I have a To Do list and a half to take care of at work tomorrow.
Goodnight and thanks to Dave, Alex, and Rudy's Bar and Grill. Free hotdogs forever.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Sometimes a Text is Just a Text
Today three strange men talked to me. And unfortunately, the first strange man motivated me to call this boy I met a few weeks ago and it ended up being just as awkward as the strange men. So in total, I had four extremely weird moments all involving men. The first was an older black man at the shops at Columbus Circle. He walked up to me, took one look at my giant yellow rain boots and the following dialogue occured:
Man: Those are some nice boots...man...where'd you get those boots?
Me: Huh?
Man: You got it goin' on! Those are some great boots.
Me: Er....
Man: You the prettiest girl I've seen all day...come here (**note: at this point I wasn't going near him, I was trying to get away, but the man steps up to me and takes my hand and kisses it) ...now you have a lovely evening.
Me: Gah! Huh?!?!
Ok! So that is weird and awkward conversation number one. Unfortunately, strange awkward conversation number one lead to strange awkward conversation number two...tonight, I had been planning to call a boy that I'd drunkenly hooked up with because, out of the blue, three weeks after the fact, he texts, and I answer with a text, and more texts ensued. The text messages were kind of inane, so I was confused and following the advice of a friend who said, "Jesus, just call the boy - either he wants to talk to you or he doesn't," I called the boy. For some reason after a strange older black man kissed my hand I thought "Whelp, seems like a perfect time to call strange younger white man!" And so began awkward conversation #2 - a brief section for your perusal:
Boy: So on top of all that, I'm writing the score for this porno-
Me: What? Crazy...well, you have to do it so you can put it on your resume.
Boy: This way, when I'm in a bar and someone asks me what I do, I can say "I write the score for porn."
Me: Yeah...there you go!
Boy: Well, it's not really hardcore, it's soft...and it's set in the twenties. This guy does this conceptual stuff, so yeah...it's kind of a silent movie porn and I'm writing the score. I mean this guy has done a lot of work, he's won- uh, he's done a bunch of things... I mean...
Me: You were going to say, "he's won a lot of porn awards, weren't you?"
Boy: Yeaaaaahh....
Me: So who gives these porn awards?
Boy: S and M magazines and things like that. I looked it up.
To make a long story short, nothing came of the phone conversation except that I learned about porn awards and how this boy apparently just got into text messaging, and basically that sometimes a text message is really just a text message.... I may have kind of over-analyzed that one.
The second encounter with a stranger was on the subway, but this one was kind of nice in that New York moment way....
(I sit down and start to read my new book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.)
Man: I just finished that book!
Me: Did you enjoy it?
Man: I loved it. It was recommended to me by a friend and...oh wait have you read any of it yet?
Me: Just a few pages.
(We ride a few stops...I pause and look at the signs)
Man: That book was completely different than I thought it would be. I thought it would just be a hoot, but it was so much more than that...I hope you enjoy it. (Man leaves train.)
So that encounter was fine. The third one occured at the grocery store in Bedford-Stuyvesant.
Man: So how are you with your cheeses?
Me: What?!?
Man: I need to find the ricotta...for my stuffed shells see.... (gestures to pasta in basket) but I can't find the ricotta.
Me: Oh...there it is! You can mix herbs in it for flavor.
Man: I know, I already got the parsley.
The man proceeds to tell me about what might be his two famous dishes - his stuffed shells and some sort of spinach pie - had this man not been such a queen, I might have wondered if he was hitting on me.
Sigh....another day in my life.
Still to come:
Pulitzer Prizes
Irony
Optimism in extreme situations
Where I should live in New York and why
I know...you can't wait....
Man: Those are some nice boots...man...where'd you get those boots?
Me: Huh?
Man: You got it goin' on! Those are some great boots.
Me: Er....
Man: You the prettiest girl I've seen all day...come here (**note: at this point I wasn't going near him, I was trying to get away, but the man steps up to me and takes my hand and kisses it) ...now you have a lovely evening.
Me: Gah! Huh?!?!
Ok! So that is weird and awkward conversation number one. Unfortunately, strange awkward conversation number one lead to strange awkward conversation number two...tonight, I had been planning to call a boy that I'd drunkenly hooked up with because, out of the blue, three weeks after the fact, he texts, and I answer with a text, and more texts ensued. The text messages were kind of inane, so I was confused and following the advice of a friend who said, "Jesus, just call the boy - either he wants to talk to you or he doesn't," I called the boy. For some reason after a strange older black man kissed my hand I thought "Whelp, seems like a perfect time to call strange younger white man!" And so began awkward conversation #2 - a brief section for your perusal:
Boy: So on top of all that, I'm writing the score for this porno-
Me: What? Crazy...well, you have to do it so you can put it on your resume.
Boy: This way, when I'm in a bar and someone asks me what I do, I can say "I write the score for porn."
Me: Yeah...there you go!
Boy: Well, it's not really hardcore, it's soft...and it's set in the twenties. This guy does this conceptual stuff, so yeah...it's kind of a silent movie porn and I'm writing the score. I mean this guy has done a lot of work, he's won- uh, he's done a bunch of things... I mean...
Me: You were going to say, "he's won a lot of porn awards, weren't you?"
Boy: Yeaaaaahh....
Me: So who gives these porn awards?
Boy: S and M magazines and things like that. I looked it up.
To make a long story short, nothing came of the phone conversation except that I learned about porn awards and how this boy apparently just got into text messaging, and basically that sometimes a text message is really just a text message.... I may have kind of over-analyzed that one.
The second encounter with a stranger was on the subway, but this one was kind of nice in that New York moment way....
(I sit down and start to read my new book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.)
Man: I just finished that book!
Me: Did you enjoy it?
Man: I loved it. It was recommended to me by a friend and...oh wait have you read any of it yet?
Me: Just a few pages.
(We ride a few stops...I pause and look at the signs)
Man: That book was completely different than I thought it would be. I thought it would just be a hoot, but it was so much more than that...I hope you enjoy it. (Man leaves train.)
So that encounter was fine. The third one occured at the grocery store in Bedford-Stuyvesant.
Man: So how are you with your cheeses?
Me: What?!?
Man: I need to find the ricotta...for my stuffed shells see.... (gestures to pasta in basket) but I can't find the ricotta.
Me: Oh...there it is! You can mix herbs in it for flavor.
Man: I know, I already got the parsley.
The man proceeds to tell me about what might be his two famous dishes - his stuffed shells and some sort of spinach pie - had this man not been such a queen, I might have wondered if he was hitting on me.
Sigh....another day in my life.
Still to come:
Pulitzer Prizes
Irony
Optimism in extreme situations
Where I should live in New York and why
I know...you can't wait....
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Blackbird
Tonight I saw Blackbird, winner of the 2007 Olivier Award for Best New Play. Written by the charming David Harrower, the MTC production stars Alison Pill and Jeff Daniels. This play is hard to watch. This play is amazing. These performers are working - anyone who thinks being an actor isn't a real job needs to see this play. You could easily dismiss this show as "that pedophilia play" but Benjamin Brantley of the New York Times (bless him and his wonderful review - MTC broke a daily wrap record today!) says "you have to accept it as a love story — a tragic, horrible love story that destroys lives, but a love story all the same" and he is right.
Now I have never ever been in a situation like the one presented in Blackbird but I related to both characters and I understood their motivations because it really is a love story. Anyone who has been in a relationship that ended will understand something about these characters - the need to deconstruct, revisit, and try and figure out what happened in the past.
This show has been getting strong reviews and as a result tickets are moving fast. I went through my first quote meeting and experience of running around getting hard copies of reviews at 8:30 in the morning from various Hudson News stands.
I was proud to have contributed to this show in some way, even if it was fixing a printing problem for various flyers and making sure the PLAYBILL looked right. I helped. :)
Now I have never ever been in a situation like the one presented in Blackbird but I related to both characters and I understood their motivations because it really is a love story. Anyone who has been in a relationship that ended will understand something about these characters - the need to deconstruct, revisit, and try and figure out what happened in the past.
This show has been getting strong reviews and as a result tickets are moving fast. I went through my first quote meeting and experience of running around getting hard copies of reviews at 8:30 in the morning from various Hudson News stands.
I was proud to have contributed to this show in some way, even if it was fixing a printing problem for various flyers and making sure the PLAYBILL looked right. I helped. :)
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
short and sweet.
All I've wanted to do lately is write...and read, but mostly write. Sadly, it's been a long day and I can't write without sacrificing my productivity at the first quote day. As a result, you get a list of things....
1. The celebrities at the opening night tonight were Nathan Lane, Anna Paquin, and Kieran Culkin.....they seemed small somehow. Oh well. I ran into Kieran's friend... that was the extent of contact. I also saw David Harrower, the playwright.
2. Orginally I planned on going to the show tonight but then I drank and kicked it with some coworkers instead....long story short...these MTC peeps will definitely be a good time.
3. I think...I don't know...but a flirtation began with a boy....it was interesting...curious if it is in my head or real... fun though.
4. I'm kind of loving my job. I feel like I only know what is going on 1/2 the time, so I'm just glad I haven't been fired.
Oh man...so much more to write about.....
relationships
perception of things
space age hair products (shut up, you'll understand later)
freedom
sadness
the replacement by fat norwegian girls.
peace yo.
1. The celebrities at the opening night tonight were Nathan Lane, Anna Paquin, and Kieran Culkin.....they seemed small somehow. Oh well. I ran into Kieran's friend... that was the extent of contact. I also saw David Harrower, the playwright.
2. Orginally I planned on going to the show tonight but then I drank and kicked it with some coworkers instead....long story short...these MTC peeps will definitely be a good time.
3. I think...I don't know...but a flirtation began with a boy....it was interesting...curious if it is in my head or real... fun though.
4. I'm kind of loving my job. I feel like I only know what is going on 1/2 the time, so I'm just glad I haven't been fired.
Oh man...so much more to write about.....
relationships
perception of things
space age hair products (shut up, you'll understand later)
freedom
sadness
the replacement by fat norwegian girls.
peace yo.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Materiality.
She bought the dress because it represented the persona she wanted to project. She bought the dress in the hope that by wearing it she would become the person who should be wearing such a dress - a person who didn't dwell on the past, who didn't stumble over words when she was nervous, a woman who walked easily and stridently in heels.
The girl - yes at 25 she still felt like a girl - bought the dress because it reminded her of 1930s starlets who dangerously charmed men and were all eyes as they lit their cigarettes. The girl didn't smoke- and frankly, there was nowhere left to smoke in New York - but when she looked at the dress she heard the sound of matches striking and sultry jazz and in the lingering whispers of her daydream she could believe that anything was possible in that dress.
The girl - yes at 25 she still felt like a girl - bought the dress because it reminded her of 1930s starlets who dangerously charmed men and were all eyes as they lit their cigarettes. The girl didn't smoke- and frankly, there was nowhere left to smoke in New York - but when she looked at the dress she heard the sound of matches striking and sultry jazz and in the lingering whispers of her daydream she could believe that anything was possible in that dress.
Saturday, April 7, 2007
This is important because...
At one point today I started to think about what motivates me to succeed in life. Recently, I'd had a conversation with my boss about my mom and her influence in my life. Then yesterday I had a conversation with a friend about my childhood. Needless to say both of these things made me think about my family and how they shaped me...
There is a really incredible speech in the play Frost/Nixon (the play was that good - I'm still talking about it in my blog) that Nixon has where he talks about never being able to escape your roots - even if you surpass every expectation and assumption associated with where you began - if your beginnings aren't stellar, you will never escape it. I realized that I understood this speech and in some ways I realized how AMAZING my family was at widening my view of the world. My mom will give me a bunch of credit for getting myself where I am, but they must have done something right.
Let me tell you about Center Line, Michigan. A small suburb poised on the edge of Detroit, it is a mile by a mile and three quarters square. Back when I was elementary and middle school, I knew Center Line families: families with lots of children or cousins - lots of people were related and it had a certain sense of community.
There were gangs in my middle school and at times the whole situation was pretty grim. I did a lot of things outside of school and while I was in school I was pretty bored and unhappy. Then I went to Roeper for high school and everything changed.
Many of the people I went to elementary and middle school with are married and have lots of kids. They still live right around the same area where we grew up and frankly I can't relate to their lives. Of course, these are the people that I never really felt like I could relate to anyways. And that isn't to say that one life choice is better than the other, they are just different.
However, being from Center Line and Warren (Warren is the suburb that completely encompasses the suburb of Center Line and is larger and more recognizable) has it's stigma. FYI, Marshall Mathers aka Eminem is also from Warren. The area of South Warren which encompasses 10 mile to the infamous 8 mile is often referred to as "Warren-tucky." It is not a pretty area to say the least. My father actually grew up in this part of town, but considering he was born in 1923 you can guess that things changed a great deal. This area of East Detroit Metro comes with assumptions. Once I was on a plane ride to New York when the man next to me asked what I did in New York. At this time I was writing grants and managing the fundraising for Queens Council on the Arts. I told him about my job and he asked me where I went to school. I told him that I went to Carnegie Mellon and he congratulated me. "Tough school" he said, "Good for you." Then he asked me where I went to high school. When I said Roeper he complimented the school. My high school came with a repuation of it's own...sometimes good, sometimes bad. Then he asked me where I lived. When I told him Center Line he scoffed and said "How'd you pull that one off?" This made me incredibly angry. Where I lived underminded the accomplishments he had just praised.
I understand that speech in Frost/Nixon and I understand why I can't just do well, I have to do amazing sometimes if I can. I have more to say about this subject, but I'm exhausted....
There is a really incredible speech in the play Frost/Nixon (the play was that good - I'm still talking about it in my blog) that Nixon has where he talks about never being able to escape your roots - even if you surpass every expectation and assumption associated with where you began - if your beginnings aren't stellar, you will never escape it. I realized that I understood this speech and in some ways I realized how AMAZING my family was at widening my view of the world. My mom will give me a bunch of credit for getting myself where I am, but they must have done something right.
Let me tell you about Center Line, Michigan. A small suburb poised on the edge of Detroit, it is a mile by a mile and three quarters square. Back when I was elementary and middle school, I knew Center Line families: families with lots of children or cousins - lots of people were related and it had a certain sense of community.
There were gangs in my middle school and at times the whole situation was pretty grim. I did a lot of things outside of school and while I was in school I was pretty bored and unhappy. Then I went to Roeper for high school and everything changed.
Many of the people I went to elementary and middle school with are married and have lots of kids. They still live right around the same area where we grew up and frankly I can't relate to their lives. Of course, these are the people that I never really felt like I could relate to anyways. And that isn't to say that one life choice is better than the other, they are just different.
However, being from Center Line and Warren (Warren is the suburb that completely encompasses the suburb of Center Line and is larger and more recognizable) has it's stigma. FYI, Marshall Mathers aka Eminem is also from Warren. The area of South Warren which encompasses 10 mile to the infamous 8 mile is often referred to as "Warren-tucky." It is not a pretty area to say the least. My father actually grew up in this part of town, but considering he was born in 1923 you can guess that things changed a great deal. This area of East Detroit Metro comes with assumptions. Once I was on a plane ride to New York when the man next to me asked what I did in New York. At this time I was writing grants and managing the fundraising for Queens Council on the Arts. I told him about my job and he asked me where I went to school. I told him that I went to Carnegie Mellon and he congratulated me. "Tough school" he said, "Good for you." Then he asked me where I went to high school. When I said Roeper he complimented the school. My high school came with a repuation of it's own...sometimes good, sometimes bad. Then he asked me where I lived. When I told him Center Line he scoffed and said "How'd you pull that one off?" This made me incredibly angry. Where I lived underminded the accomplishments he had just praised.
I understand that speech in Frost/Nixon and I understand why I can't just do well, I have to do amazing sometimes if I can. I have more to say about this subject, but I'm exhausted....
Friday, April 6, 2007
Thoughts but fast since it is late.
1. I have spent hours dealing with photos and facts about composer Kurt Weill today.
2. I really really need to do laundry.
3. I need to find a gala dress and fast.
4. I have overbooked myself solidly this weekend but with all fun things.
5. Doing my taxes seemed too easy.
6. I really like some of my new friends of late.
7. I can't cut coffee out of my life right now.
8. I can't work any other jobs for at least 3 months until I figure out the job I have.
9. Life is surprisingly positive all things considered.
10. I think soy products expand right after you eat them turning your stomach into a war zone...mmmmm zen palate. Oh belly ache.
2. I really really need to do laundry.
3. I need to find a gala dress and fast.
4. I have overbooked myself solidly this weekend but with all fun things.
5. Doing my taxes seemed too easy.
6. I really like some of my new friends of late.
7. I can't cut coffee out of my life right now.
8. I can't work any other jobs for at least 3 months until I figure out the job I have.
9. Life is surprisingly positive all things considered.
10. I think soy products expand right after you eat them turning your stomach into a war zone...mmmmm zen palate. Oh belly ache.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Also a real offer on a place to live...
It looks like it may be Astoria with Christina and Scott. They said I could have parties and be obsessive compulsive about cleaning. Nice.
Frost/Nixon
...or why I think theater or theatre (whatever floats your boat) is a powerful medium.
Oh Frank Langella that was a lovely show.
Tomorrow I see curtains.
I need a new thing to watch...someone said baseball season started...
Seriously there is a full out Yankees vs. Mets showdown in my very own office.
AND today, I met with Hal Prince. He told me my exhibit looked lovely, offered to help me carry a portfolio of archival photos and then immediately told his assistant to "do something useful" and handed it to him. But still...my boss said "Who else can say 'It's my second week of work and I'm meeting with Hal Prince." Sigh....this job ain't too shabby...
I do fear that someday soon my co-worker Tom and I might be rocking the showtunes on the piano tipsy at a work party...why do I fear this...because he has in the past and we are going to be partners in crime, and frankly that latent musical theatre kid from the early 90s is probably going to rear it's ugly head soon....I fear for MTC.
Oh Frank Langella that was a lovely show.
Tomorrow I see curtains.
I need a new thing to watch...someone said baseball season started...
Seriously there is a full out Yankees vs. Mets showdown in my very own office.
AND today, I met with Hal Prince. He told me my exhibit looked lovely, offered to help me carry a portfolio of archival photos and then immediately told his assistant to "do something useful" and handed it to him. But still...my boss said "Who else can say 'It's my second week of work and I'm meeting with Hal Prince." Sigh....this job ain't too shabby...
I do fear that someday soon my co-worker Tom and I might be rocking the showtunes on the piano tipsy at a work party...why do I fear this...because he has in the past and we are going to be partners in crime, and frankly that latent musical theatre kid from the early 90s is probably going to rear it's ugly head soon....I fear for MTC.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
What I've been doing when I'm not at work...
Sadly or maybe inevitably...I see theater and art and music. This week mostly theater...
A quick rundown:
Encores! Face the Music at City Center
Guttenburg the Musical!
Edward Scissorhands the Ballet at BAM
Serendib at Ensemble Studio Theatre
The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players/Corn Mo at The Canal Room
What I would have liked to have seen:
Propellor Company's Taming of the Shrew at BAM
Mika performing at any venue - he was at a few
Face the Music was a staging of a forgotten musical score that hasn't been performed for over 75 years. The score is not amazing, but the Encores! Project is. The show had some excellent tap dancing and a song called "I Say It's Spinach (And the Hell With It" so really considering I saw it for free - not too shabby. FYI when I was first offered the tickets to something with the title Face the Music for a second I was thought "MTV?" but no, definitely NOT MTV.
Guttenburg the Musical! was a show about two men who wrote a musical about Johann Guttenburg and wanted to get the show on Broadway. If you are thinking that sounds silly - it was, but in a completely fabulous way. The singing dead baby who died because his mother could not read and fed him jelly beans thinking they were medicine was only the beginning. I very much enjoyed this one-trick pony show, because the one trick was executed in an excellent fashion over and over again. FYI, when I first heard about the show I was really really hoping it was about Steve Guttenberg the 80s movie star, because THAT would be ridiculous.
Edward Scissorhands was disappointing but I was still glad I saw it because of a few wonderful set/costume moments. I'm sleepy so I'm not going into these right now.
Serendib was a show I saw because I knew the director, costume designer, lighting designer, producing manager, set designer, and paint charge working on the show. Us CMU kids we get around. The show was actually quite good - it is part of the Sloan Foundation's project to support new shows written about science and technology. This was a show about a Sri Lankan monkey research project, but really it was about people as well - as most plays are. It had puppet monkeys that were really well designed and used. The set was a really good use of the space as well. It was an enjoyable story and I am curious how it will tighten up over the next few weeks. New plays can be very tough, but this one had a very good creative team! I know, I've worked with all of them. :)
The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players and Corn Mo were different. Corn Mo was the opening act - he is from Dallas and is kind of what I think Mitch Hedberg would have sounded like if he'd sang more songs. Charming rambling combined with slightly silly piano songs proved to be a good mix. Corn Mo also played the accordion and sang one of the Italian arias from the 18 Italian Songs book that everyone who has ever taken voice lessons has. He also did a rockin' cover of Queen's "We are the Champions". The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players are a group of 3 bookish siblings that have collected slides from estate sales, garage sales, thrift shops, etc. and create songs based on the slides themselves. They did manage to get some kind of McDonald's corporate slide set from the 1970s which was pretty amazing. I think the IDEA of their band is great and they have the same "girl playing drums wistfully" schtick that the White Stripes used early on, but the execution could be better. I guess what I am saying is that if the execution had been more polished and the jokes a little tighter, I would have warmed up to it. I think that when you do go to school for theater you stop tolerating certain things that probably don't bother other people. These three siblings are also very hipster-y and sometimes I get a little bit hipstered out. But that all being said I LOVE THE IDEA of a slideshow band.
On Thursday I am seeing Curtains and sometime this weekend I will try and see Blackbird at MTC (where I work!). It's not really an Easter weekend play, but I figure I will fill the rest of the weekend with feeding Adam's cats while he is gone, museums, shopping, and Easter Sunday brunch with people who are Jewish.
Peace Yo.
A quick rundown:
Encores! Face the Music at City Center
Guttenburg the Musical!
Edward Scissorhands the Ballet at BAM
Serendib at Ensemble Studio Theatre
The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players/Corn Mo at The Canal Room
What I would have liked to have seen:
Propellor Company's Taming of the Shrew at BAM
Mika performing at any venue - he was at a few
Face the Music was a staging of a forgotten musical score that hasn't been performed for over 75 years. The score is not amazing, but the Encores! Project is. The show had some excellent tap dancing and a song called "I Say It's Spinach (And the Hell With It" so really considering I saw it for free - not too shabby. FYI when I was first offered the tickets to something with the title Face the Music for a second I was thought "MTV?" but no, definitely NOT MTV.
Guttenburg the Musical! was a show about two men who wrote a musical about Johann Guttenburg and wanted to get the show on Broadway. If you are thinking that sounds silly - it was, but in a completely fabulous way. The singing dead baby who died because his mother could not read and fed him jelly beans thinking they were medicine was only the beginning. I very much enjoyed this one-trick pony show, because the one trick was executed in an excellent fashion over and over again. FYI, when I first heard about the show I was really really hoping it was about Steve Guttenberg the 80s movie star, because THAT would be ridiculous.
Edward Scissorhands was disappointing but I was still glad I saw it because of a few wonderful set/costume moments. I'm sleepy so I'm not going into these right now.
Serendib was a show I saw because I knew the director, costume designer, lighting designer, producing manager, set designer, and paint charge working on the show. Us CMU kids we get around. The show was actually quite good - it is part of the Sloan Foundation's project to support new shows written about science and technology. This was a show about a Sri Lankan monkey research project, but really it was about people as well - as most plays are. It had puppet monkeys that were really well designed and used. The set was a really good use of the space as well. It was an enjoyable story and I am curious how it will tighten up over the next few weeks. New plays can be very tough, but this one had a very good creative team! I know, I've worked with all of them. :)
The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players and Corn Mo were different. Corn Mo was the opening act - he is from Dallas and is kind of what I think Mitch Hedberg would have sounded like if he'd sang more songs. Charming rambling combined with slightly silly piano songs proved to be a good mix. Corn Mo also played the accordion and sang one of the Italian arias from the 18 Italian Songs book that everyone who has ever taken voice lessons has. He also did a rockin' cover of Queen's "We are the Champions". The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players are a group of 3 bookish siblings that have collected slides from estate sales, garage sales, thrift shops, etc. and create songs based on the slides themselves. They did manage to get some kind of McDonald's corporate slide set from the 1970s which was pretty amazing. I think the IDEA of their band is great and they have the same "girl playing drums wistfully" schtick that the White Stripes used early on, but the execution could be better. I guess what I am saying is that if the execution had been more polished and the jokes a little tighter, I would have warmed up to it. I think that when you do go to school for theater you stop tolerating certain things that probably don't bother other people. These three siblings are also very hipster-y and sometimes I get a little bit hipstered out. But that all being said I LOVE THE IDEA of a slideshow band.
On Thursday I am seeing Curtains and sometime this weekend I will try and see Blackbird at MTC (where I work!). It's not really an Easter weekend play, but I figure I will fill the rest of the weekend with feeding Adam's cats while he is gone, museums, shopping, and Easter Sunday brunch with people who are Jewish.
Peace Yo.
Monday, April 2, 2007
OKAY it's ON!
OK everybody. It is TIME. It is time to take charge of MY LIFE. Here's the score... I gave myself time to be unhappy and confused and stupid over the last month or so. I did all the stupid things you do when your life goes haywire. I now know what it is like to fall in love and have it crumble and I now know that you can start over again, that friends are really great, and that the phoenix really does rise out of the ashes. So yes it's time to take charge.
I have a great new job. This job can open doors for me, because it already is. Right now, this job and doing as amazingly as I can while I am working is a very high priority.
I am done with the stupidity of the last two weekends. I am picking myself up off the ground, brushing off the dirt, and starting with a clean slate.
What does that REALLY mean?
1. I need to find a home in New York. I want an apartment. I want a space to decorate and call my own and put things in. I want to have a place I come home to because it is MINE. Now realistically this cannot happen for a few months and I may spend some time subletting this summer. But I cannot be a nomad for much longer...I have been a nomad in two different countries for almost a year. I have not lived in one space longer than a year in six years. I am at a point where I need this kind of stability.
2. I need normal sleeping hours. I want to get up early. I want to wake up and not feel like I want three more hours of sleep.
3. I want to pay off my credit debt which is not astronomical, but I want to pay it down.
4. I do NOT want to let myself get really drunk so I don't know what is going on. It is not good for my mind or my body.
5. I want to take dance classes or maybe some sort of theatre classes.
6. I am going to take the time to figure out what kind of person I would like to share my life with. I am going to appreciate my friends because they are the people I am sharing my life with.
7. I am going to start investing in things. I will invest money, effort, and time into the things I want to accomplish.
This is the BEGINNING of the next stage of my life.
I want it to be awesome.
I have a great new job. This job can open doors for me, because it already is. Right now, this job and doing as amazingly as I can while I am working is a very high priority.
I am done with the stupidity of the last two weekends. I am picking myself up off the ground, brushing off the dirt, and starting with a clean slate.
What does that REALLY mean?
1. I need to find a home in New York. I want an apartment. I want a space to decorate and call my own and put things in. I want to have a place I come home to because it is MINE. Now realistically this cannot happen for a few months and I may spend some time subletting this summer. But I cannot be a nomad for much longer...I have been a nomad in two different countries for almost a year. I have not lived in one space longer than a year in six years. I am at a point where I need this kind of stability.
2. I need normal sleeping hours. I want to get up early. I want to wake up and not feel like I want three more hours of sleep.
3. I want to pay off my credit debt which is not astronomical, but I want to pay it down.
4. I do NOT want to let myself get really drunk so I don't know what is going on. It is not good for my mind or my body.
5. I want to take dance classes or maybe some sort of theatre classes.
6. I am going to take the time to figure out what kind of person I would like to share my life with. I am going to appreciate my friends because they are the people I am sharing my life with.
7. I am going to start investing in things. I will invest money, effort, and time into the things I want to accomplish.
This is the BEGINNING of the next stage of my life.
I want it to be awesome.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Trash trash and more trash!
I did a strike for a show today and threw out many many useful things. It's very frustrating to realize how many things just get thrown out that could so easily become functional items for other people. I mean trash picking is not glamourous but it is cheap and helps cut down on the sheer mass of waste. I tried to leave the useful items in an open bag that wasn't a trash bagso perhaps someone would see them and give them a new home. I considered keeping the items or trying to donate them to theatres but I already had to carry a suitcase and a laundry bag full of items I need to return to various sources, and could not physically carry any more stuff on the subway. Actually I could if I had a big backpack...but I didn't. I also don't really have a real home yet, so that is awkward and probably not a good idea for me to be building up a stockpile of "things that might make good props someday oneday who knows...?"
Sigh. I'm glad this show is over for a number of reasons:
1. I was getting ridiculous notes to take care of and trying to juggle my new job.
2. I had to deal with decisions like "Do I want to see my ex-boyfriends parents since they are apparently going to the closing show that I was going to go to?" This decision became a moot point when the ATM decided to eat both my check and my debit card leaving me to deal with the bank for a 1/2 hour on the phone at 10:00 on a Saturday night...my deposit was made, and I get to pick up my debit card at the bank tomorrow morning...yay Wamu bank.
3. How do I deal with my first one night stand - ie. we had the sex and now I have to decide if I want it to go anywhere or if I just leave it be...
4. Communication was not at it's best within the team.
5. Getting paid at real job, not so much at this one.
STILL, it was a fabulous experience and I got to meet a ton of new people especially Ali whom I hope will stick around.
I ran into a friend from college in the subway and he picked me up and spun me around which made me chuckle. I like that New York is kind of like a giant playground and I get to run into people I know randomly all the time - from high school, college, internships, etc. It's good because it seems like if you meet someone and connect with them they don't really necessarily leave your life.....it's bad when you look like poo and feel like poo and don't want to see anybody.
I've been seeing a great deal of theatre lately mostly for free which is one of the perks of working in theatre - you get comp tickets every hour. I paid quite a bit to see the Edward Scissorhands ballet which was not amazing overall but had five or six design moments that were gorgeous. There was a part when Edward and Kim are dancing in the topiary garden and in a blackout the set changed to a bunch of semi-human looking topiaries and then they started to dance! The costumes were so good and the people so still that at first I really didn't know if they were props or people. It was pretty amazing. At the end fake snow also sprayed into the audience and hundreds of little children gasped in amazement which was a beautiful little "this is why I work in this industry" sound. Of course, after striking today and creating lots of trash, I grumble at the tons of wasted fake snow....
I'm sad because two people I know in New York broke up and I really like both of them, but I'm really only connected to one of them in a logical fashion. I also really thought they were a lovely and supportive couple. My beliefs in love have really taken a kick in the ribs. So sad. I think the only thing to do is eat some food before I have to go to the Carnegie Club tonight for a work event and schmooze with the patrons.
Must find dressy outfit to wear and possibly return a ridiculous purse I bought. I was trying to buy grown up clothes, but a purse...that's impossible for me to like unless it has dots on it or something or maybe a picture of a monkey.
Sigh. I'm glad this show is over for a number of reasons:
1. I was getting ridiculous notes to take care of and trying to juggle my new job.
2. I had to deal with decisions like "Do I want to see my ex-boyfriends parents since they are apparently going to the closing show that I was going to go to?" This decision became a moot point when the ATM decided to eat both my check and my debit card leaving me to deal with the bank for a 1/2 hour on the phone at 10:00 on a Saturday night...my deposit was made, and I get to pick up my debit card at the bank tomorrow morning...yay Wamu bank.
3. How do I deal with my first one night stand - ie. we had the sex and now I have to decide if I want it to go anywhere or if I just leave it be...
4. Communication was not at it's best within the team.
5. Getting paid at real job, not so much at this one.
STILL, it was a fabulous experience and I got to meet a ton of new people especially Ali whom I hope will stick around.
I ran into a friend from college in the subway and he picked me up and spun me around which made me chuckle. I like that New York is kind of like a giant playground and I get to run into people I know randomly all the time - from high school, college, internships, etc. It's good because it seems like if you meet someone and connect with them they don't really necessarily leave your life.....it's bad when you look like poo and feel like poo and don't want to see anybody.
I've been seeing a great deal of theatre lately mostly for free which is one of the perks of working in theatre - you get comp tickets every hour. I paid quite a bit to see the Edward Scissorhands ballet which was not amazing overall but had five or six design moments that were gorgeous. There was a part when Edward and Kim are dancing in the topiary garden and in a blackout the set changed to a bunch of semi-human looking topiaries and then they started to dance! The costumes were so good and the people so still that at first I really didn't know if they were props or people. It was pretty amazing. At the end fake snow also sprayed into the audience and hundreds of little children gasped in amazement which was a beautiful little "this is why I work in this industry" sound. Of course, after striking today and creating lots of trash, I grumble at the tons of wasted fake snow....
I'm sad because two people I know in New York broke up and I really like both of them, but I'm really only connected to one of them in a logical fashion. I also really thought they were a lovely and supportive couple. My beliefs in love have really taken a kick in the ribs. So sad. I think the only thing to do is eat some food before I have to go to the Carnegie Club tonight for a work event and schmooze with the patrons.
Must find dressy outfit to wear and possibly return a ridiculous purse I bought. I was trying to buy grown up clothes, but a purse...that's impossible for me to like unless it has dots on it or something or maybe a picture of a monkey.
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